Step Three - Been a while

Over the years I've fallen off from online journaling/blogging. Sigh.

It feels like there's been so much but so little happen over the past 2 months.

One of my fur pets passed away at the end of January. My heart was broken. It still is. Grief for an animal can be so intense. I try to keep in perspective that we learn, but it's not an easy lesson by any means. I love my animals, they make my life so much happier and bring me so much peace.

I'm a few months from my year mark as a supervisor. Sometimes I still feel brand spanking new, full of constant questions. I feel like there's so much at times and then I feel like I'm not doing much, so confusing.

I had an opportunity come up that I'm not sure what to do with. It'd change everything, and puts me in a place to make such a hard choice. What to do, what to do?

Step Two

In my job I'm a supervisor as well as an LCSW that works directly with severely emotionally disturbed children/adolescents and their families. It's rewarding but draining work. I'm good at it, and I'm thankful for that. But sometimes my abilities to work with the most difficult of the difficult lands me in burn out central. This is what has happened this past week. I fried myself.
Now, I know all about self care. I preach about it, so I practice it. But it does become difficult when you feel there's so many things tugging on you. Difficult clients no one else wants to take but need help. Supervisee needs. Manager needs. And your own.
I have a difficult history. That's why I landed in the job I'm in. I know how to work with those with severe mental illness. And over the past 4 years, I've plowed through some of the most difficult my agency has ever seen. I have my "battle scars" and had some scary situations, but I made it through.
This past week a client I had triggered me above and beyond my normal triggers. I couldn't focus. I would leave the session and become tearful. I'd carry it home. I'd cry at night at all the stuff it'd bring up. And I faced the fact that I was not the therapist for this client. I made a decision to pull myself out. I staffed it with many, and they agreed. And then when it came to it, it all blew up in my face. No one was happy or content with the outcome.
My struggle is even though those around me tell this is a growing experience, one to learn from, I feel pretty crummy. I feel like I failed and hurt someone in the process. And I feel like I will be judged. That I will be looked down upon for messing this one up. I am my worse critic, and I am tearing myself up over this. I don't like messing up, and I am always worried sick that if I mess up, if I show that I am human, people will see that I am no good. No good at all.
Years of distortions playing out. My peer colleagues are supportive, but I worry they do not understand the monster within me, that feeds off my doubts and insecurities. I showed my weakness a lot this week, I cried, I moped, I posted on facebook. And worry all the time that maybe they'll see that I'm not good enough.
At 8am I start my staycation. Of not thinking about work, of not being responsible for any of it. Muchly needed. But I worry that I will face judgment when I return. Not a good thing to have hanging when you start your break.
My friends say I made the best choice. I hope they're right.

Step One

I have had online journals in the past, which I kept for 8 years. But now its time for something new. I need a place to post my journey. My journey especially through Cerebral Palsy, becoming a mental health therapist/LCSW, a supervisor, etc. A place to discuss the battle to make it all appear normal and easy. With that sometimes comes feelings of shame, inadequacy, isolation, but also success, courage, and bravery.

I was recently asked again "What does CP feel like?" uhm... Well what does being "normal" feel like?

My CP is considered mild, but people can see it. They often think I have a limp. Which is a good and bad thing at times. When people assume it is just a limp I cringe. They think my body will recover, and I will be normal again some day. When people recognize that it is more, they often say silly things like "You are so lucky..." or "Does that mean you're MR?" (<< usually teen or idiotic adult)

So what does it feel like emotionally? Like I will never belong or fit in. That immediately I have to overcome people's judgments again and again.  That no matter how much I want to fit I wont. 

Physically its a tense body all the time. I feel stiff and rigid. I have spasms usually all the time. My muscles feel shaky. I dont always control what my body does. I tell my hand write *this way* and it refuses. I exhaust in writing, gripping, walking easily. My fingers lock and stiffen. I hold things awkwardly, my arms get in weird positions. If the spasms are bad they can be seen. They feel like charlie horses that wont stop. When its cold my muscles spasm all the time, my joints lock and ache. Yes to you its only a flight of stairs. To me it a brutal dose of more tension to my legs. I also have absolutely no depth perception. So I misstep on stairs. 

The tension cause insane migraines. Where I cant move, cant bare to hear a noise, or have light. I am down for the count.

I have fallen at work in front of people. Once a client and her mother. I wanted to cry. From pain and shame. I fall at work randomly. And want to bawl. Adults don't fall like I do. I feel forever like a kid. Always having to ask for help with simple things. Its all about conserving energy, not about me not wanting to be normal, because God I do. I would take normal to accommodations any day.

I always worry, so insecure, that maybe I am truly "stupid" and that everyone knows this but me. That I will never live up. That I am the weakest link in all situations. That I fail physically and mentally. Sometimes I am baffled by how I got to be licensed, much less supervisor. 

My agency can be amazing. They see me, not my CP. but I still wonder what they see, what they wonder but havent said or asked outloud. 

Headache. Sigh. Step one of a thousand done...