Step One

I have had online journals in the past, which I kept for 8 years. But now its time for something new. I need a place to post my journey. My journey especially through Cerebral Palsy, becoming a mental health therapist/LCSW, a supervisor, etc. A place to discuss the battle to make it all appear normal and easy. With that sometimes comes feelings of shame, inadequacy, isolation, but also success, courage, and bravery.

I was recently asked again "What does CP feel like?" uhm... Well what does being "normal" feel like?

My CP is considered mild, but people can see it. They often think I have a limp. Which is a good and bad thing at times. When people assume it is just a limp I cringe. They think my body will recover, and I will be normal again some day. When people recognize that it is more, they often say silly things like "You are so lucky..." or "Does that mean you're MR?" (<< usually teen or idiotic adult)

So what does it feel like emotionally? Like I will never belong or fit in. That immediately I have to overcome people's judgments again and again.  That no matter how much I want to fit I wont. 

Physically its a tense body all the time. I feel stiff and rigid. I have spasms usually all the time. My muscles feel shaky. I dont always control what my body does. I tell my hand write *this way* and it refuses. I exhaust in writing, gripping, walking easily. My fingers lock and stiffen. I hold things awkwardly, my arms get in weird positions. If the spasms are bad they can be seen. They feel like charlie horses that wont stop. When its cold my muscles spasm all the time, my joints lock and ache. Yes to you its only a flight of stairs. To me it a brutal dose of more tension to my legs. I also have absolutely no depth perception. So I misstep on stairs. 

The tension cause insane migraines. Where I cant move, cant bare to hear a noise, or have light. I am down for the count.

I have fallen at work in front of people. Once a client and her mother. I wanted to cry. From pain and shame. I fall at work randomly. And want to bawl. Adults don't fall like I do. I feel forever like a kid. Always having to ask for help with simple things. Its all about conserving energy, not about me not wanting to be normal, because God I do. I would take normal to accommodations any day.

I always worry, so insecure, that maybe I am truly "stupid" and that everyone knows this but me. That I will never live up. That I am the weakest link in all situations. That I fail physically and mentally. Sometimes I am baffled by how I got to be licensed, much less supervisor. 

My agency can be amazing. They see me, not my CP. but I still wonder what they see, what they wonder but havent said or asked outloud. 

Headache. Sigh. Step one of a thousand done...