Step Two

In my job I'm a supervisor as well as an LCSW that works directly with severely emotionally disturbed children/adolescents and their families. It's rewarding but draining work. I'm good at it, and I'm thankful for that. But sometimes my abilities to work with the most difficult of the difficult lands me in burn out central. This is what has happened this past week. I fried myself.
Now, I know all about self care. I preach about it, so I practice it. But it does become difficult when you feel there's so many things tugging on you. Difficult clients no one else wants to take but need help. Supervisee needs. Manager needs. And your own.
I have a difficult history. That's why I landed in the job I'm in. I know how to work with those with severe mental illness. And over the past 4 years, I've plowed through some of the most difficult my agency has ever seen. I have my "battle scars" and had some scary situations, but I made it through.
This past week a client I had triggered me above and beyond my normal triggers. I couldn't focus. I would leave the session and become tearful. I'd carry it home. I'd cry at night at all the stuff it'd bring up. And I faced the fact that I was not the therapist for this client. I made a decision to pull myself out. I staffed it with many, and they agreed. And then when it came to it, it all blew up in my face. No one was happy or content with the outcome.
My struggle is even though those around me tell this is a growing experience, one to learn from, I feel pretty crummy. I feel like I failed and hurt someone in the process. And I feel like I will be judged. That I will be looked down upon for messing this one up. I am my worse critic, and I am tearing myself up over this. I don't like messing up, and I am always worried sick that if I mess up, if I show that I am human, people will see that I am no good. No good at all.
Years of distortions playing out. My peer colleagues are supportive, but I worry they do not understand the monster within me, that feeds off my doubts and insecurities. I showed my weakness a lot this week, I cried, I moped, I posted on facebook. And worry all the time that maybe they'll see that I'm not good enough.
At 8am I start my staycation. Of not thinking about work, of not being responsible for any of it. Muchly needed. But I worry that I will face judgment when I return. Not a good thing to have hanging when you start your break.
My friends say I made the best choice. I hope they're right.